Being divorced - how can I be the best parent for my child?
There are often a lot of emotions, thoughts and frustrations associated with divorce - especially when you and your former partner have children together. Not only do you have to deal with the divorce yourself, but your child has to get used to the fact that mom and dad are no longer together. And that can be difficult - no matter how old your child is.
That's why it's important to remember to talk to your child throughout the process. Your child doesn't need to know every detail or be involved in everything, but a good place to start is to talk about what's going to happen next.
However, there is often a difference between being the parent of a younger child or a teenager. When parents divorce, it can be experienced very differently depending on the age of the child.
If you have a younger child, they often need a clear structure from the start and a fixed framework to feel safe. Your child may react with anxiety or strong emotions, but basically they need predictability and security in everyday life.
However, if you have a teenager who is already going through a potentially vulnerable phase of identity searching and emotional reflection, a divorce can amplify feelings of insecurity, anger or conflicts of loyalty. A teenager who is already struggling with social relationships or school pressures may react strongly to a divorce and find it harder to cope with changes in the family.
Talk openly and honestly with your child
Being divorced while being a parent can be a life-changing experience that involves many emotions such as sadness, relief, doubt and hope - often all at the same time. It's important that you talk to your child about the divorce. Not necessarily in detail, but so your child knows what's going to happen.
Your child doesn't need adult explanations. Instead, your child needs to know that the divorce is not their fault and that both mom and dad still love them as much as ever. Make room for all the questions and feelings your child may have - even if the same questions may come up again and again.
Naturally, the questions that arise will differ depending on the age of your child. A younger child often has different needs than a teenager. The older your child is, the more and more complex questions may arise. It's a good idea to set aside time for conversations while accepting that it can be difficult for them to put into words how the divorce is affecting them - especially when there are many other changes happening in teenage life.
Most children, regardless of age, can react with anger, sadness, confusion or other strong emotions. These are completely natural reactions to a divorce. At the same time, it can be difficult to contain your child's emotions if you are out of balance yourself.
If you find it challenging, it can help to remind yourself that you and your former partner have been a safe haven for your child until now. When the foundation of that security suddenly changes, it can create both anxiety and anxiety for your child - even if the change is out of necessity.
Children whose parents get divorced have one thing in common: they need care. It's a good idea to try to understand your child's feelings so that you can better support them through the divorce.
Remember that children react differently and are affected in different ways when their parents split up. You can try to tell your child that everything will be fine again - but that it may take some time.
Create calm through structure and predictability
Many younger children react to divorce by missing one parent in their daily lives. What they were used to has suddenly changed. Switching between two homes can be difficult for your child, so it's a good idea to be clear and open about when and for how long your child will be with you and with the other parent.
It can create a sense of security if the home - whether it's the old or a new home - feels like a safe place, and if your child can keep their everyday life as familiar as possible, even if they have to deal with multiple homes.
If you have a teenager, structure and predictability can also help create calm, as change can easily increase anxiety. Predictability can be created through clear agreements about everyday life, such as clear communication about plans and - where possible - fairly similar boundaries and rules in both homes. At the same time, it's important to involve the teenager in the agreements so that they feel heard and have a say in their everyday life without being given adult responsibility.
As a parent, you can try to stick to some of the things you used to do before the divorce. It's reassuring when, even though a lot has changed, there's still something that feels familiar. By telling your child what everyday life with you will look like, you can help create an overview and predictability.
Take responsibility
Divorce often brings up a lot of emotions and thoughts - both for you as an adult and for your child. That's why it's important that you don't take your frustrations out on your child. It's not the child's fault that you divorced, but your child can still be affected by how you feel. Most children don't want to see their parents sad.
That's why it's a good idea to remember to take care of yourself and talk to someone about what's difficult. That way, you reduce the risk of your own feelings taking up too much space in your relationship with your child.
If you can appear calm and confident with your child, it can be a great help in helping them cope with the divorce. It's also important to avoid talking negatively about your former partner to your child, as this can put your child in a difficult and uncomfortable situation. Regardless of what happened between you as adults, your child loves you both. As parents, you have a shared responsibility not to drag your child into conflicts or make them take sides.
If you need to share your difficult thoughts, it can be helpful to talk to friends, family or a professional such as a psychologist or counselor.
You can also book a conversation with one of our headspace Family volunteers here.
Collaboration between you
Even though you have divorced, you are still parents to your child. The child's feelings haven't changed - you are still both the people they love the most. That's why it's important to pay attention to how you talk about and to each other.
Being good friends after a divorce is far from a given. There can be many reasons why a relationship doesn't last, and sometimes it's better to call it quits than to let it continue. Whatever the reason for your divorce, it's crucial that the adults speak respectfully to each other when the child is present and cooperate on parenting. This way, you avoid the child getting stuck or becoming the messenger between you.
As parents, you still share responsibility for your child's well-being. The child's reaction to the divorce may, for example, be that they find it harder to go to school, concentrate or withdraw socially. That's why it's important that you work together - as much as possible - to support your child and give them the best possible framework for everyday life.
