How do I communicate with my teenager?
The teenage years are a time of great change, when young people are finding themselves and developing their identity. It's a period that can be fun, exciting, challenging and confusing - both for your child and for you as a parent.
As a parent, you may find that communication between you changes significantly. Conversations can feel more strained, the door to your teen's room gets slammed shut and held shut, and it can be difficult to figure out how to best reach your child.
Especially in these years, honest, open and trusting dialog is important and has a big impact on your teenager's well-being. That's why we've put together some general advice and guidance on how to communicate with your teenager.
You can always Book a call with us at headspace Family if you need to discuss your thoughts, frustrations or feelings in a safe space.
When your child detaches
The teenage brain is undergoing significant reorganization. A lot is happening at once, and some development processes take longer than others. At the same time, young people are going through major changes in their lives, which can be difficult for you as a parent to navigate.
For many teenagers, the teenage years can feel like a real crisis, where your child spends a lot of time and energy trying to find their ”new self”. Your child is gradually becoming a young adult who needs to find their own place and path in life. This can manifest itself in your child starting to detach from you - and this can be both vulnerable and challenging to deal with as a parent.
Every parent wants their children to thrive and be happy - even when things get tough at home. It's important that you don't let yourself get knocked out. A key part of communication is listening and trying to hear what's actually being said, while showing interest in what's going on in your teen's thoughts and feelings. Being able to put your own frustrations aside builds trust between you and your teenager - even if it can be difficult in practice.
General traits when your teen is starting to disengage
As your teen starts to disengage, communication between you may become more challenging. You may experience more arguments, a harsher tone or comments like ”you don't understand me!”. It can be frustrating as a parent, but it's a natural part of the developmental process your child is going through.
Here we've compiled some general traits you may experience when your teenager is starting to disengage:
Slamming the door:
Maybe you know the situation. Your teenager comes home after a long day at school and you ask them how their day was. The answer is short, the tone dismissive - and the door to the room is quickly slammed shut.
It may feel like a rejection of you, but try not to be put off. Your teenager may need time to themselves and may find it harder to cope with participating in the common things you usually do together. It may be a need to withdraw and just be themselves - without having to explain or relate to others.
Silence and withdrawal:
As a parent, it can be frustrating to see your teenager withdrawing into themselves. You may be met with monosyllabic responses, shrugs and lack of eye contact. Often it's about an increased need for privacy - something that is a natural part of the detachment process.
The teenage years can be characterized by many and overwhelming emotions that young people often need to process alone. At the same time, the silence can cause you to worry and feel powerless over the lack of communication and contact.
Remember that silence is rarely a rejection. It's often a signal that you need space and peace to be in your own thoughts and feelings.
Let go of control:
You may have been used to having more control than you experience now with a teenager in the house. Parenting a teenager is very much about gradually practicing letting go and trusting your child to navigate what's right and wrong.
When you show that you trust your teen's judgment, it also gives your child a sense of confidence that can strengthen their ability to stand more independently and confidently in adult life.
It's still perfectly legitimate to set boundaries and make clear agreements. At the same time, it's important to strive for a respectful relationship where your teen doesn't feel controlled, monitored or invaded.
How do I talk to my teenager about the hard stuff?
Talking to your teenager about difficult topics can be challenging as a parent, but it's an important part of maintaining a close and trusting relationship. It's often a good idea to create a space where your teen feels comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings - even those that are hard to put into words.
Choose a time when it's calm and the conversation doesn't happen in the middle of a conflict or in front of a closed door. For many teens, it works better to talk while you're doing something else, like going for a walk or cooking something.
Listen sincerely and without interrupting - and try not to come up with solutions too quickly. Ask open-ended questions that express curiosity rather than control and acknowledge your teen's feelings - even if you don't necessarily agree. When sharing your own concerns, do so calmly and use “I” statements rather than sounding accusatory or critical.
Accept that difficult conversations are rarely done in one go. The most important thing is to show that you're present, can handle the hard stuff and are always open to talking further when it suits your teen.
Transitioning from discovery to collaboration with your teen
The transition from ”child to adult” often involves a shift in parenting. You move from being primarily the one who directs and instructs to listening, involving and collaborating with your child. Whereas with younger children you are typically the one who sets the framework, this changes in the teenage years when the young person has an increasing need for independence, recognition and influence.
As a parent, it's more about trying to understand your teen's perspective - their thoughts, feelings, frustrations, values and boundaries. By being curious and showing genuine interest in your teen's needs, you can help build cooperation rather than resistance. It's about dialog rather than control, and mutual agreements rather than unilateral rules.
For many parents, the role can start to feel more like a sounding board than an authority figure. It requires you to gradually let go. The transition takes time and requires patience and trust, but it can strengthen your relationship and empower your teen to take responsibility for their own life.
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